Friday, February 20, 2009


Well quite a few few things have happened the past few days.

Hubby did not get a promotion he was trying to get. But has applied for 3 other jobs and has an interview next week for one of them.

He's finally decided that he's going to have to work overtime in order to afford the other child he's brought into our lives. I KNEW that... was just waiting for him to come to that realization on his own.

I"m finalizing a custody agreement then we'll send it to our attorney.

The kids had school conferences yesterday. My oldest special needs son is doing much better in his afternoons at school But the mornings at home and at school are still very rough on everyone. But he's working above grade level on everything, so that I am happy about.

One of my twins A. is doing wonderful. He's working above grade level on everything (except colors, but he IS colorblind so LOL) His behavior has vastly improved with the use of 1 2 3 magic in the classroom and he's a star student now.

My other twins I. well things aren't going as good for him. They believe he has some ADD as well as some type of learning disability. But when kind we're not sure. My hubby is dyslexic, so maybe it's some of that. Out of possible 4's in everything, he's getting mostly 1's. We know there is something very "off" about I. but we've never been sure what. We tell him to get ready in the mornings something he's been doing for YEARS and he still cannot get the sequence of events right, he still puts on his pants before his underwear, and shoes before his socks, and boots before his snow pants. Something just isn't clicking right.. and we don't know what.
We always call lunch time, lunch. HOwever he's never been able to call it that... he always calls it supper and calls our supper lunch. After years of hearing it called the right things nyou'd think this would sink in with him... but it hasn't. He and A. are both extreme perfectionists. If they make one small wrong cut on their projects, they scrap the whole entire thing and refuse to finish it.

SO i need to get I. in to see someone, but not sure who.

I guess that is all I have for today :)

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Today i'm sad

Last night Dave and I "had it out" so to speak. Not in an angry way, but in a lots of crying way. after meeting the mistress yesterday for breakfast.... I just kinda fell apart. The realization of the situation hit me in a hard way. The other day I was talking to my hubby about how exciting it is, that our 20 month old is only 4 months away from starting preschool where all his other brothers have gone. I was looking forward to catching some naps. I WAS looking forward to 20 month olds, milestones. But i just can't get excited about that. For some reason i'm associating him getting older with the impending birth of the mistress's baby. A baby of which i'll be taking care of full time. Hubby's only concern is financial. I looked at him and asked him if he's bothered to think about the emotional toll this will have on all of us and he admitted that he hadn't *sigh*.

My hands are so full as it is, i have no idea how another baby will fit into all of this, our schedule, our lives, our house... our hearts.....

Since giving our oldest a basic overview of the situation.. his behavior has been horrible. he says he's not bothered, doesn't want to talk about it, but his behavior says otherwise. I'm again in a postition where i feel like i'm the only one who cares how all of this plays out.

Today the 20 month old gets to move his car seat forward facing, it's supposed to be sad and exciting, but instead it's just sad. One more step closer to NOT being done raising children.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

It's been ordered

Well the paternity test kit has been ordered and it is on the way.

This way it will be ready for whenever she gives birth.

Each step brings me closer to the reality of the situation.

The day the pat. test results come back... will be a very very sad day for me......
I"m stuck in a situation I didn't ask to be in and sometimes feel i'm the only one showing any maturity or caring about it.
Sucks when I already have a houseful of responsibilities an really shouldn't take on more.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

My mother

She spends a majority of her time, pining away for me. WHY? Because I'm an only child and I'm her life. She's not married, has no friends (has lots of cats though), she has no siblings of her own either. ALL she has is me.

She never fails to remind me of this either.

She has never been able to have a normal mother daughter relationship with me.
Tonights phone call (hopefully the last of 12 in 5 hrs) was just utter madness.
She asked me what i was doing which is what she asks everytime sh ecalls (Have i mentioned she calls ALWAYS the second she hears me walk in the door, and at bedtime, and first thing int he morning, and at naptime), With 5 kids on tow what does she usually think i'm doing.. umm gettinhg off coats and shoes an trying to keep the dogs from getting out the door and she obseissively calls if i don't answer, and she pouts if I'm curt with her.
I digress I told her I was doing what i'm always doing on a sunday night at 8:00, giving all the kids a bath/shower and trying to get them in bed. She's starts grilling me about what hubbys mother talked ot him about when she came to town a couple weeks ago, she starts asking me why i stopped working weekends, why I never spend anytime with her and how she's going to take me away to talk to her for a couple of days and that I will just have to leave the children with hubby and he'll have to deal. I told her he CAN"T... not for that long, and that i have too much to keep up on around the house. She said she NEEDS to talk to me and not on the phone, in person. I said fine then i'll come over for a few minutes once the kids are sacked out (she lives next door). She screamed I don't want just a minute here and there I want your undivided attention. I yelled back, MOTHER I have 5 kids, all i have to spare is a minute here and there! My kids are still little 7 and under! Plus we could be adding a 6th to the family! She yells Yeah and we're gonna come to an understanding about that too... WHAT THE HELL? Am I not 28 yrs old??? MOre than old enough to know i love my hubby, more than old enough to know I don't have time for childish games, and more than old enough to know what I'm doing and where I'm going with my life.

My mother NEVER ceases to amaze me.... EVER....I can hear her at her house banging stuff around and generally acting like she's two.

*off to go kill my cell phone for the night*

Child custody agreement

What does one put in a child custody agreement when they are in the uniqe situation we're in?

I tried to google a list of what we should be putting into the custody agreement, and if you can believe it, i could not find a list out there (might have to make one tomorrow with the help of a few friends).

My situation is unique in that it's not talked about often. My hubby conceived a child with another woman. A co-worker. It came to a head last july. A week after finding out about the affair, we found she was pregnant. My world came crashing down around me. We had just made it through some of the most hellish times of our lives and I thought we had come out stronger, I thought we had beaten the odds that had been stacked against us for (at that time) 8 yrs. I was wrong.

She is 33 yrs old. She still works with my hubby although differant departments. She was due march 28th, but they moved her up to March 23rd, and she's measuring big. So she may go even earlier than that. My life will be changed forever the day she gives birth. It's not supposed to be like this, I"m not supposed to be soo scared of some baby entering the world, to be scared of a woman who before July of 2008, i had no idea existed. It's not right that this woman has a hand in the way my life will play out. How my children's lives will be.

Tonight I had to take the step of writing up some sort of custody agreement a first general draft . It took me ALL day. It was soo hard. Writing that 2 page email was one of the hardest things I've done. It made the whole situation sooo REAL. For the first hour I worked on it, my hands shook. Scared doesn't explain how I felt, but terrified does.

It's done now, and sent to her. Who knows what will happen next. I PRAY she will just accept the terms and she'll step up and be a good parent, and we'll spend the next 18 yrs, sharing custody. Doing the best we all can.

I was told by someone, that this may be God giving me the chance to raise the daughter I've always wanted. I don't know how to feel about that statement. I"m so torn and conflicted most of the time.

I know I can love her
I know I can treat her as my own

But more than that comes into play.

I don't know if I can deal with her mother for the next 18 yrs. (Don't even think of suggesting my hubby deal with her, his nuts shrivel anytime she's in the vicinity).
I don't know if i can deal with the questions that are going to come from her and my own children about how she came to be in our lives.

Not knowing things is the worst for me, I hate not being on control and it feels like the last 3 yrs of my life have been out of my control. That doesn't set well with me. I HATE that feeling. It throws me off balance. I need to get re-balanced.

But with things going the way they are, my opportunity to get the balance I need is a long ways away.


What is the best thing for all the children involved?? That is what is important.

BUt it's hard to know what the answer is.

I don't want drama, I don't want conflict. It won't help anyone in this situation at all.

It's 2:30 am... I should be sleeping, but tonight sleep just isn't coming. Too much stess? Anxiety?
Probably both.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

6 yr old and his teacher

One of the twins didn't finish his work at school today, so when i got there to get him he had like 45 minutes worth of work to do.. the teacher could have AT LEAST called and told me he needed to stay after. So there i sat with 4 kids at the school... Oldest son's bus dropped him off while i wasn't home.. it was a mess...thankfully he knew what to do.. but still.. he's 7 ya know and not all that trustworthy...... i was pissed at him, pissed at the teacher... and i don't even think poor twin B was screwing off while he was supposed to be working.. he just won't try because he writes everything backwards and he knows he cannot do it the right way, so he doesn't bother... and she's MEAN! We're fairly sure he's dyslexic and the teacher has been told tihs, but she keeps making him do the same thing over and over again... and was getting onto the baby because he was dumping stuff, she refused to let us take the work home... It was just a freekin nightmare i was just ready to kill everyone by the time we got out of there.

Boy Scouts

Well we survived it. Now comes affording it. I'm still not sure how I'll handle scheduling all this stuff... but it will work out right???

My 3 yr old still has the runs. He's pooped himself 3 times today. Only at home though, go figure. He had an accident at preschool a couple of weeks ago, i asked for his dirty jeans back as they were brand new Gap jeans and they couldn't find them, said they must have been thrown in with the wash. Said they would get them back to me.. so then came the boys being sick for 10 days and so hunter didn't go back to preschool till yesterday. I asked for the jeans and they have mysteriously disappeared.. in all the years we've been going there we've lost at least an entire wardrobe of clothes a caot and TWO pairs of shoes how does this happen at a small child care center??? Me thinks that they have a thief amongst them, but I doubt they would listen. It's just VERY frusterating and daycare/preschool is impossible to come by around here (the baby has been on 8 waiting lists at differant centers for 7 months and he's only moved one spot at 3 of the centers and not moved at all on the other lists). It's NUTS.